If you’re feeling a little panicked after sharing something with someone, it might be a sign that you overshared.
Oversharing — exclusively talking about personal matters and neglecting to volley the conversation back and forth — can be awkward and damaging, said Debra Fine, author of “The Fine Art of Small Talk.”
1. You’re nervous
For those of us who suffer from anxiety, first date nerves can be especially terrifying. They can keep you from meeting new people or even pursuing relationships altogether.
Men and women who overshare dates tend to do so out of nervousness, according to psychologist Lauren McDowell. They are worried about whether they will be attractive enough, whether they will like the person they are with, and so on.
“If a person’s oversharing is causing them distress, it can be helpful to tell the other person that you are very nervous and would prefer to take things slowly,” she says.
This can help them understand why you’re sharing your worries and give them reassurance that they are not the only ones feeling this way. It can also allow you to focus on your own feelings without them becoming a distraction.
2. You’re trying to impress
Meeting new people can be intimidating. It’s easy to let our anxiety take over and spill personal information about ourselves or our lives.
However, sharing too much on a first date or in the early stages of a relationship can hurt your chances at getting to know someone and building a meaningful connection.
If you’re prone to oversharing, it’s important to recognize the triggers. Try to only share personal details when directly asked.
Then, use witty banter to redirect the conversation to something more lighthearted. If a family member asks how much you paid for your house, you could respond by saying it was a doughnut run and ask them if they want to move the conversation to something else.
Practicing self-compassion is another great way to combat the tendency to overshare. It can help you acknowledge the underlying cause and make a plan to change your behavior. It’s also a great way to set healthy boundaries with yourself, which can be helpful in other relationships as well.
3. You’re trying to make a connection
Oversharing is one of the most common dating pitfalls. It can be awkward and even downright damaging, putting you in potentially compromising situations with a new date.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. According to licensed psychologist Kruti Patel, there’s actually a reason you overshare: You’re trying to make a connection with the person.
First dates, new coworkers or mutual friends all elicit this behavior. It can be a way to rush intimacy, especially when you’re feeling lonely or in need of connection.
It can also be a sign that you’re dealing with stress or other significant challenges. This can deplete your self-control, making you less capable of controlling your emotions and behaviors.
The best way to avoid oversharing is to become more mindful of your tendencies and triggers. That means paying close attention to what personal information you share, when and where it occurs.
4. You’re trying to build intimacy
Intimacy refers to a wide range of relationships, from your family and friends to romantic partners. It can involve sharing experiences, feelings, and thoughts that help you feel closer to the people you love.
Relationship experts and self-help resources like books and courses may help you learn more about intimacy. If you’re still feeling stuck on what it means to be intimate in a relationship, working with a therapist one-on-one or in a group can give you more personalized insight into the subject.
If you’re still struggling with the oversharing problem, it’s important to recognize its underlying causes. For example, it could be a sign that you’re anxious or have issues with trust.
